Cinema-Maniac: Apocalypse Pompeii (2014) Movie Review

Last week I had the pleasure of seeing mockbuster “Android Cop” which for all it flaws was just a cheap action movie. Now imagine me trying to absorb the existence that is “Apocalypse Pompeii” from the same studio “The Asylum”. From a business standpoint why out of all the blockbusters to make a knock off from would someone pick Paul W.S. Anderson “Pompeii”? Then again, why question the logic of a studio whose name is “The Asylum”.

Apocalypse Pompeii is about a former Special Ops commando visiting Italy when his wife and daughter are trapped in the ruins of Pompeii when Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force. Okay a premise like that has to be interesting right? How can’t it be when you have a special ops commando fighting the forces of a Volcano to look for his family. Well the film finds a way and much like Mt. Vesuvius it’s a disaster of magnitude force. Logic is broken and no I’m talking about the lava which roars in one scene. By sheer luck it just turns out the special ops daughter just so happen to read about Volcanoes all her life. This wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact despite two loud, Earth shaking warnings no one on the tour to Pompeii ruins bother to get back a tour bus and head back to Italy. Once the actual disaster starts (the Volcano eruption, not the film) everything becomes a snooze fest. Switching between the daughter leading everyone on the tour to safety while the special ops father finding a way to save his family. Neither of the characters are interesting to follow. The synopsis is about as much development you’ll get for the special ops father and a couple of lines for his daughter. He’s a boring father always with a one tracked much like his personality only unable to say anything other than exposition. His side of the story is dull unable to get behind him when not only does his team blow up part of a military base, but also steals a Helicopter illegally. Okay I understand it’s his family he’s trying to safe, but I’m sure not getting court martial nor possibly a life in prison sentence for attacking a military base is more important for your family too. As for the daughter her side of the events are equally just as dull. Everything works out because of plot convenience not by smart thinking. She’s a walking deus ex machina fixing problems whenever they occurred. As a whole the film is shallow, dull, questionable, and uneventful in just about every single minute it last.

Acting on the other hand is just as shallow and one dimensional. Adrian Paul (who I named Not Liam Neeson) is more lifeless than a corpse. He shows no emotion like a rock, has about the same amount of charisma as the grim reaper, and acting chops as visible as air. He’s not a good leading actor to put it more bluntly. Georgina Beedle (who I named Not Amanda Seyfried) is one dimensional, unconvincing, and like Adrian Paul has the charisma of death. Come to think of it this whole cast is filled with actors you would find in films as extra with no lines. Direction is uninspired as the people desperately try to overcome the disaster that is SHAKY CAMQUAKE. No amount of cheap CG can hide the fact that the actors are looking at giant note cards that tell them “Fall down like an idiot”. Just about everything from the production is immensely underwhelming.

Apocalypse Pompeii is the worst kind of knock off that fails as an original creation to entertain and as imitation resembles nothing it’s copying. Desperately making the viewer want to reach the finish line as this is one disaster of a film that can take lives…maybe not, but it’ll most likely put you in a comma due to sheer magnitude of boredom.

1/10

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